all the feelings

 I’m scared. I’m scared to move back to the  United States – which are seemingly far from united. I’ve got that churn-y feeling in my stomach when I think about it too much. I want so badly to hug my mom, and see my dad build a fire in the fire place,  and watch my parents cook together, laugh and watch Friends with my sister, and tease my brother and brother-in-law. I can’t wait to dance in celebration and grief over all the things that have happened this past year with the people I love. I’ll get to hold my friends’ babies, gab about nonsensical pop-culture happenings, cry and laugh, and eat burgers and cheese and biscuits, but I’m still filled with a deep sadness when thinking of leaving this life in Bangkok.

I’ll be ushered back into the States in the most perfect of ways: smack-dab in the middle of Fall, my favorite season. There’ll be pumpkins and mums, cornhusks and festivals, spiced cider and pumpkin spiced everything. I’ll wear my favorite sweater with my Bean Boots and the prospect of a sweaty forehead and damp hair will be a million miles away – but man, it will hurt. It will be beautiful and painful. I’ll ache for my life in Bangkok. I’ll miss hearing rapid-fire Thai spoken all around me. I’ll miss eating 25 cent bags of cutup watermelon 3 times a day. I’ll long to hear my roommate, Olivia shriek with joy and hear my Thai name yelled at me from across the market by my Thai mom, Tukta. My friends’ faces who are in the detention center will run through my mind while I’m trying to decide which yogurt to buy at the supermarket, and I’ll start weeping, and my hand will come to my chest because my heart just quivered, and my breath will stop for 4 seconds or so. I’m grieving the ending of this time and, will continue to do so – and it will be hard. 

It’s a gift, isn’t it, to be sad about leaving a place – to dread it a bit. That means that there’s been love and joy and roots and laughter and friendships. There’s been a fair amount of chaos, and lots of unlearning and learning. There’s been hurt feelings and hard conversations and clipped words and unhealthy communication. I’ve had to put my big-girl panties on and own my feeling and thoughts and story.  I’ve had to stare in the face my proclivity towards comfort and my tendency to live out of scarcity – believing time, love, food, sweat rags, books, money, hope, or fired bananas are scarce.

So many humans have given me the gift of being apart of their lives. I’ve gotten to cheer on the kids who are apart of our education program as they grow in knowledge and confidence. I’ve heard stories of horror, fierce perseverance, grave disappointment, and sheer joy from refugees and asylum seekers in the detention center. I’ve gotten to dance and laugh with my students and friends and colleagues and strangers. People from all over the world (40ish countries) have come to my rescue in someway or another – from offering friendship to doing emergency translation – folks from every continent (except Antartica). 

The world is huge  – there are so many people and cultures and languages -but the more I journey on, the more the truth that we are all connected is reinforced. No matter where I went in Bangkok, from language school with affluent business associates to the detention center with prisoners – everyone, all of us, yearns and aches to know that we are the beloved – now and always.

I am so grateful for my time with Creative Life Foundation. I have vacillated between being adamant about staying in BKK, and holding hope for what could be next in the States. They’ve weathered it all with me. That’s what we need – people to weather it all with us – people who stick around when we’re crabby, confused, and tearful. We need people in our corner and at our table. I’ve had that – and man, has it been good (like old testament, right-relationship, Genius – good). 

My primary mode of processing life is through my feelings. I’m a feeler. So, in a couple weeks if you see me crying at the grocery store or in your church or at your dinner table it’s because it hurts like hell (sorry, mom) and it was so, so good. I am not perfect, and this past year was not perfect. It was messy, but I was alive. So, I’ll fight to be alive in the States. I’ll fight to keep my hands and my heart unclenched, and I’ll fight to open my life, and my home (okay, my parents home), and my exceptions of vocation. It’ll be all the things – hard, messy, beautiful, sometimes ugly, and full of dancing. 

This is my favorite prayer, lately. It’s from Common Prayer: Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals. 

Lord, help me know to unclutter my life, 

to organize myself in the direction of simplicity. 

Lord, teach me to listen to my heart;

teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it. 

Lord, I give you these stirrings inside me, 

I give you my discontent, 

I give you my restlessness, 

I give you my doubt, 

I give you my despair,

I give you all the longings I hold inside. 

Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth;

to listen seriously and follow where they lead

through the breathing empty space of an open door. 

Amen. 

Thank you. 

Long Live the Beatles

My Last time at PEC 

Standing in my backyard, five feet from my swing set, I said out loud to myself that I was going to be a doctor when I grew up. I was seven years old. At eleven, I wrote and pretended to broadcast fake news stories, and had dreams of playing basketball on North Carolina’s court with Michael Jordan. At 18, when I moved into my dorm room, my plan was to be a sports journalist covering the Atlanta Braves. As I type these words, I’m 31 years old, and I have endless dreams taking place in a thousand different lands. I’ve never known a time without a dream. 

I’ve written about the Prappadaeng English Club (PEC) and scholarship program that I oversee in the this space before. I wrote about the kids and their infectious dance moves. It’s taken me a bit of time to see that what we’re investing in is the possibility of dreams for the kids. It’s a privilege to dream – to hold space for what could be; to see beyond what’s in right in front of you. 

Currently, there are six scholarship students. Soon, we hope to add two more. The monthly scholarship the kids receive helps take some financial pressure off of their families, but it also ensures that the students can still attend school and dream of what could be. 

Two of the students are in college. One of them has hopes of running a business to employ members of her community, and the other is studying a variety of different subjects to see what sparks her soul. 

If the students didn’t have the additional educational support, their families would be in a more financially vulnerable state, possibly forcing the kids to earn an income instead of continuing to learn in the classroom, but the truth is is that it’s not just the money that sustains their education – really – it’s the community. 

Khun Plaa, the extraordinary human who started this program, has built and fostered community in and around her church. She started opening the church on Saturdays so that the kids could have a space to color, build with blocks, play the guitar, run around in an air conditioned room and eat snacks. 

Yes, the kids need additional educational support, but they also need community. A community to love them when life is messy and hard. A community to cheer at their music recitals, listen to them talk about their lives, and create safe space for them to be whomever they are.

Really, we all need that, right? We need people to champion our dreams, listen to our deepest fears and joys and give us ice cream just because. You know that Beatles song, I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends? The title of that song is the thesis of my life. It’s also true for PEC, and all other parts of CLF. We can’t do it alone. None of us. We need community, and sometimes we need extra funds to help make our dreams come true.  PEC gets buy with a little help from our scholarship sponsors from around the world and the sheer holy gumption of Khun Plaa. 

It’s been an honor to watch these kids grow and dance through the year. I am so grateful. 

There are students who still need an education sponsor. If you have the financial margins and desire to become a sponsor, please email me at etmiller23(at)gmail.com. 

hope junkie reporting for duty

I smelled magnolia and honeysuckle as I walked back to work and immediately, I was whisked back to my childhood backyard – sweaty and laughing as I played with my friends. Georgia in summer smells of cut grass, rain on hot pavement and honeysuckle. I miss it.  I miss those scents filling my nostrils and spurring a thousand different memories through my mind. Home – it’s sacred, or it should be.

For so many people, their homes are not safe – whether it’s the 4 walls that make up a house, the confines of a city or an entire country.

I am an extremely privileged human. I almost always feel safe. I live in a country that is not my own, but they have welcomed me. For many in this land and in the world, that is not the case.

I visited the International Dentition Center (IDC) this morning and saw my friend Abdul.* He’s an unaccompanied minor. In his home country, he was jailed by an oppressive regime and escaped to Thailand. He’s a kid. He’s got a crooked smile and an eager energy that seems reserved only for teenage boys.  Abdul’s friend David,* with whom he shares a room, is from a different continent. David’s a few years older than Abdul, and he knows his chances of obtaining refugee status with the United Nations and being resettled to another country are much slimmer than his friends’.

To look into David’s eyes and know that he knows that the deck is stacked against him, it’s heartbreaking. I couldn’t get David’s face out my mind for week after I met him. My colleague, and all-around kick butt-human, Constance, calls me a hope junkie. And she’s right. I crave it. I need it. After I met David, I kept wondering where the hope was. Where was the light for this kid who could use a break? Where was his plane ticket to another home?

In my faith tradition, Jesus tells and shows us what to do when we can’t find any hope. We make some. He said, and this is paraphrased, visit and get to know people who are in prison, open up your homes for people who need a place to stay, invite and welcome strangers, have people who are different from you at your dinner table, check-in with, and give extra attention to people who have lost a partner and kids who have no parents – that’s where the hope is – if you don’t see any, then make some. If David’s story needs some hope, then get to work. Advocate for him and take him his favorite dessert. Let him show you hope.

These things root us in our shared humanity, and as the Indians say, the divine in me recognizes the divine in you. 

I forgot. I forgot I am as Chris Heurtz, the co-founder of our parent organization says, a “hope hustler”.

Currently, my home country is, to put it scientifically, a mess. There are centuries-old wounds that have gone unattended and are now riddled with puss and dirt. This also mirrors the rest of the world, there’s so much pain and hurt and loss and fear. She aches with it.

Three nights ago, my neighbors invited me to sit down and have a beer. I protested, but they insisted. I was invited into their space, into their home. I’m the outsider, the foreigner. I don’t speak their language well, and I’m not extremely knowledgeable about their customs and culture, and we don’t practice the same the religion.

That’s hope – some hospitality, welcoming a stranger, some awkward, muddled conversation and a little beer.

The truth is that the deck has been stacked in my favor. I am a white, middle-class American. My parents paid for me to attend college and they encouraged me to see the world and get to know her people. So much has been given to me. My race, ethnicity, nationality, and socio-economic status swirl together and create a set of privileges that I did not earn and that most humans do not have. So it’s strange for me to write about hope – or the lack-thereof.  I am learning and unlearning how to use my privilege for good in the world – and often I am flailing and failing. I’m being taught by my neighbors, Jesus, Constance, and David to not just be a hope junkie, but a hope hustler as well.

Last night I heard Irish theologist and philosopher, Pete Rollins say,

“We think when we go to the prison that we are being good news to the prisoners, or if I go to the homeless, I am good news to the homeless, but what if they’re good news to us, because they tell us that there’s a problem in our social body that we’re not looking at. So, if we want to be converted as a society, we have to go to the most oppressed people in our community, let them speak to us as prophets, showing us the problems that exist within our community so that we can be converted, transformed, and society can improve.”

Amen, to this! Hope is equitable.

I just keep thinking that if the world seems a bit darker these days – then lets be hope makers. Here’s to visiting prisoners, inviting folks who are different from us in someway over for dinner (and if you’re not opposed, a beer), becoming a mentor, investing in a kids education, praying with someone of a different faith, fixing up the guest bed room for someone who needs it, and practicing listening.

As I was about to leave IDC today, I saw an older woman reach out and touch Abdul’s face, and caress his head. They had met minutes before. The woman is from a bordering country of Abdul’s, and the relationship between their countries is rocky at best. In this small moment this woman didn’t see an enemy, she saw a boy who is alone, and like her, a prisoner – and she reached out – humanity and dignity.

They will know us by our love -not by our man-made borders, walls, labels, or groups. Just our love. Have mercy on us.

* The names of my friends in IDC have been changed

Thanks for reading, 

EM

Would you like a side of dancing with your ESL?

The kids always open the church door for me. They shout “teacher” as the rush of cool air hits my sweaty skin.  There’s always a lot of noise - singing, pretend sword fighting, yelling, dancing, round house kicks to sometimes unsuspecting bodies. I feel simultaneously overwhelmed, and at home in this pale yellow room with kids running around, a smattering of teenagers lounging on one another while glued to their cellphones, and a few adults talking at the table. 

Most Saturdays, Miranda (CLF intern extraordinaire)  and I take a bus, the sky train, another bus, a boat, and then walk 15 minutes to a church in the south of Bangkok to teach English, dance, and craft with kids who have had to hold too much pain in their short lives.

One of our CLF board members, Plaa is a pastor at the church where we teach. She’s a fearless advocate for these kids whom she loves. Watching her love and serve her community and neighbors is a gift. Yes, we go to teach English, but really we’re being taught and shown how to live well and with intention alongside others. 

English Club, which we’ve affectionally entitled PEC (Prapadaneg English Club), is loud and chaotic,and this past week involved a short lecture on not pointing just your middle finger at people (shooting the bird). The kids range in age from 3 to 19. So there’s lots of coloring sheets, glue sticks, flash cards, and uno. During the first 2 hours of PEC it’s all about the younger kids. We practice the alphabet, play dance stop while reviewing numbers, cover vocabulary (last week we focused on rain and umbrellas), and flex those fine-motor skills while making a craft. When the younger kids leave, we break out the UNO and Phase 10, and practice conversational English with the older kids. 

Six of the older children who come to PEC are also a part of CLF’s scholarship program. Kind humans from around the world sponsor these kid’s education, so that they can continue learning. Plaa told us that without these scholarships, most of students would have to stop studying, and begin working. Two students attend middle school, 2 high school, and 2 are in college.  

The students are resilient and tenacious. They know how to fight - fight to learn, fight systems that are not set up for their success, and fight for kindness in a heavy world. I wish y’all could see how the older kids care for the younger kids -it’s definitely that specific type of love that can only be delivered by an older sibling - rife with harsh truth, a bit of yelling, and affectionate jabs - but if one of the kids is ever in a sticky spot with learning or a game gone awry with hurt feelings, one of the teenagers is there to aid. 

Saturday is one of favorite days of the week. These kids are brilliant - hilarious, they make artful masterpieces from Popsicle sticks, and dance with abandon. They are strong, are quick to fight for, and defend one another. It’s and honor to learn with them and to bear witness to Plaa’s community development skills and compassion. 

We always end every class with dancing, because - we've got to dance it out sometime, we might as well do it together! Usually our song of choice is Bobby Day’s Rockin Robin, but lately, Justin Timberlake has stolen our hearts and dancing shoes with Can't Stop the Feeling. Next time you find yourself in the South of BKK on Saturday, stop on by and we’ll let you show off your dance moves and paper-plate craft skills. 

Thanks for reading! 

EM

Miss, there's watermelon juice on your shirt

Y’all, rainy season has come to BKK, and as I’m typing these words, the rain’s falling outside and much to my neighbors displeasure, the Me Before You soundtrack is playing from my IPOD for the fifteenth time today. 

As of late, all of the posts on this little blog have been a bit serious - emotional, weepy - and just downright heavy. That’s not an untrue depiction of my life, but it’s most certainly not the full picture of how my days look and feel and smell.

Here’s a few of my favorite things in Thailand - yes, Julie Andrews is one of them!

Passion fruit - I freaking (sorry, mom) love this stuff. I’ll take all the passion fruit, all the time. As I type, I’ve just finished a passion fruit slushy. My new favorite way to consume this delicious yellow and black fruit is mixing it with soda water. It’s just so good and refreshing. Treating myself to passion fruit and pineapple smoothies was how I made it through hot season. Lately, I’ve even been putting it in my morning yogurt. 

Fiction Books - Because of 3 important Thai language exams, I was not going to read a fiction book in May - and I almost made it, but during the very last weekend of May, I went on a retreat with some amazing humans to the Chiang Rai - which is nestled it the unbelievably beautiful mountains of northern Thailand, and I caved - I read a fiction book. It was glorious. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you the what it was -oopps - it’s entitled, Eligible: A modern retelling of Pride and Prejudice by Crutis Sittenfeld. Also, I just started using my kindle that was gifted to me right before I left the States from a wonderful family for whom I nannied. It’s so stinkin’ convenient. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get fully comfortable with an electronic book - but man it’s so easy to use. I’ve had a love affair with books since my parents used to bribe us to read (there was candy and coke involved) and I brought 25 books across the ocean with me. 25 - ridiculous. Bottomline - books are the best- and even better when it’s an updated version of one of the best stories to ever grace our homes and libraries and bookstores. That Jane Austen, she’s a keeper. 

Movies - I love going to movies, and when you go to the movies in BKK, you get to sit for at least an hour and half in air conditioning, and practice some good ole fashioned escapism, and it costs $3! Now, I don’t want to toot-the-horn too loudly for escapism, because I deeply believe that we have to look at, and climb into the pain and sorrow of our lives and the pain of those around us to fully experience it, sit with it, and work for healing - but also, sometimes you’ve gotta get away from it, and a cold movie theater is a superb place for just that. 

Sassy, honest humans - I am surrounded by folks who are honest - honest about life and all her junk and beauty, and their honesty is treaded with sass and spunk, and if we get too sassy with one another (usually,it’s me) and jump the border to hurtful, we try to be honest about it, and then dance it out. Honesty is hard. It’s hard enough to be honest with ourselves, but then when you throw other folks into the mix, phew - it gets tough - but it’s the sweet life - this honesty, where we can be completely ourselves with ourself and God and humans. It’s messy (yes, I know this is one of my favorite words) but it’s real and good. 

Coke - there’s just something about drinking a coke from a tiny glass bottle that feels like home (yes, Georgia is the capital of Coke!). And, I’m pretty sure the coke here is still made with sugar cane- it’s delectable!

Watermelon - Watermelon has forever been my favorite food. During the summer months of my childhood, I was frequently scolded for eating too much, or all of the watermelon my mom had just cut up. Here, in Thailand, watermelon is in season all year-round, and I consume it as if it were July in Georgia, and I was a 9 years old who had just burst into my kitchen after riding my bike around our block with my friends for two hours - which is to say -voraciously and often. 

Yoga - you guys yoga is hard, but I really like it. It’s good for carving out intentional space to breathe and clear your mind and spirt of the fog of daily life. 

Being a regular - You know in the movies when you see the protagonist visit their favorite coffee shop, or deli, or bar, and the waiter or person behind the counter knows exactly what they want before they even order - and sometimes just has it waiting for them when they show up? When this phenomena happens to me, it feels so good - it feels like l’m a part of the place - of the life happing there. I’ve lived in the market for a few months now, and I have favorite spots - the coffee vendor to the left of my building, where you can buy the best iced coffee; the pad- thai place to the left of the shine, and the garlic pork place also to the left of the shine, behind the market. These places are my regular spots. My homes away from home. I’m a creature of habit. I’ve been eating the same roast beef sandwich from the same restaurant in my hometown for maybe 25 years - basically ever since I could consume a sandwich, and in October, I’ll eat it again. When I visit these places in my neighborhood, they know what I want. I don’t have to ask - and it feels like home, if only they served roast beef sandwiches :) .

Air conditioning - it speaks for itself. 

Free Wifi - also, self explanatory. 

Making my own granola - it’s not healthy, but its tasty. I just mix whatever I happen to have, which usually consists of cocoa, peanut butter, coffee, and honey and oats. Yum

Dancing - wherever I teach, I always end class with a dance party. I’ve read that dancing in public or with peers builds self-confidence, so we’re trying to combat negative perceptions of oneself and low self-esteem early - and we dance in class. Also, it’s just plain fun! 

Headbands - I wear a headband everyday! Mostly because as my Thai friends say in reference to my sweating, "you look like you’ve just taken a shower!”

Pumpkin and egg curry - it’s so, so good. Maybe it’s all the MSG that’s in it, but y’all - it’s delicious, and I’ve eaten it almost everyday for lunch since commuting to language school from the market. I just finished language school this past week, and will no longer eat it often - but it will forever be in my heart (is this too much emotion for food?…no). 

There you go - this was a smattering of some of the indulgent things that fill my life and make it a bit more sweet.

Oh - one of my favorite things of all time is my parents love story. They fell in love, and have done the hard work of staying in love for over 43 years, and this week marks their 42nd wedding anniversary.  Congratulations, Mom & Dad! Love you!!! 

Thanks for reading, dear friends!

  

Love, 

Erin 

I wear red shoes to jail

She turned her face toward the sun, let her mouth and cheeks relax; her chest constricted and contracted. Then as if burned, she whipped her head back to the two concrete metal fences separating us, grimaced and audibly sighed, as if the suns brightness - its sheer yellow burst - was too much to take in a place where one often forgets the sun still shines and provides light. 

Those first sentences are complete projection - but they feel true. When I first met Margaret, I wanted to lasso the sun for her (like in the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, when George wants to lasso the moon for his gal Mary) and bring its radiance down to her and let her feel it’s warmth - thinking somehow this massive ball of burning gas could show her that she can and will leave this stark place. 

Margaret is kept in the Immigration Detention Center (IDC) in Bangkok.  This is where people who have overstayed their visa into the country are jailed.  Thousands of people seeking political asylum through the United Nations, or an escape from lands and countries ravaged with war, political unrest, or not enough food come to Thailand. This daunting reality, and Thailand’s response to it is extremely layered and rife with intricacies. I’ll leave it to Facebook’s vernacular to describe it - it’s complicated!

Through our work at Creative Life Foundation (CLF), some of my colleagues and I visit IDC weekly. The first time I visited IDC, all I had was a name - I knew I was visiting a male from Pakistan. As I waited for him to appear on the other side of the pseudo-barbed wire fence, I was overwhelmed - all the visitors speak to all the folks being visited at the same time - in the same room (okay, it’s technically outside) at a volume that I wasn't sure was allowed outside of amusement parks and festivals.

 Side-note: I just took a break to stress-eat caramel popcorn. Clearly, even typing this scene makes me anxious. 

The lady across from me dressed in a brightly colored outfit put her hand on a young man’s shoulder and motioned toward me. The person standing 4 feet from me was kid, a boy - not a man. He’s small for 15. He’s probably the size of the average 11 year-old in the States. He smiled and I almost lost it - in front of this kid - with his lopsided grin who’s hand was on his mom’s back. It’s one of the only times that week he was able to see her. He’s a teenager, so he has to stay in the male rooms and is separated from his mother, sister, and younger brother. 

A kid - you guys. A KID. I was only there for an hour. Who knows what we talked about. I kept thinking that I hadn't brought him enough candy. If I had known I was visiting a teenager, I would have gotten him a coke or more chocolate or something, I don’t know. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that this gangly, dark-haired boy was in jail. I still can’t. 

I should give you more facts about our visits - like who, when, why - that sort of information. I’m just not good at the facts. If I don’t feel it - I don’t think about it, so somewhere in this jumbled mess of stories are facts about our work - they’re just weaved around Margaret's tears, caramel popcorn, and the kid's smile. 

I usually visit Mohammad. Y’all, he’s amazing. During his time at IDC, he’s learned/taught himself English and stared a micro-finance business making bracelets out of plastic bags. As I type this, he’s been in IDC 14 1/2 months. He and his family - his mother, father, and 4 brothers left their home country seeking asylum -and guess what…they got it! In a month and a half they’ll board a plan to to a new country, and new home, where they’ll all be free. They’ll get to work, and study and live together. I have been visiting Mohammad for 6 months or so - and am thrilled to my bones to see this part - the joy - the freedom that feels so close he could reach out and tackle it. 

The process for applying for political asylum is arduous and long - and once a family lands in their new home - a whole new difficult journey is just beginning. 

When Mohammad told me his family had been accepted by a country, I wanted to leap across the fence, grab him and jump up and down. I did actually jump and scream, i just wasn’t able to touch him or leap (I have the knees of a 88 year old). It felt-  or rather, it feels- so good to know my friend, who is so intelligent and courageous and industrious will soon know liberation. He’ll get to hug his mom whenever he wants and take his little brother to the movies.

I live in the same neighborhood where IDC is located. When I walk home from the cafe where I watch Grey’s Anatomy, I often see the police trucks full of people on their way to IDC. I’ll be belting out P!NK’s new song, and stop abruptly because I’ll see several pairs of hands on the truck windows - and my breath halts in my chest. 

Mohammad gets to leave soon, but there will be someone else to take his spot. Someone who knows intimately the yearning for a new life. 

So we go to IDC so that families can see one another, and teenagers can drink coke on a Tuesday instead of stale water. We go because that could be us -but will probably never be.  We go because there are kids, and moms, and dads, and cousins who need to get out of their rooms for an hour and remember that the sun still shines. We go because we need one another. 

I think I go because I need hope; Mohammad gives me hope - his tenacity and enthusiasm - so then I get to hold it for bit and at best offer it to another. 

 Everyone has spunk, spark, and sass in their soul.  Emma Lazarus, who wrote the poem The New Colossus which is associated with the Statue of Liberty said, “Until we are all free, we are none of us free” and Martin Luther King Jr. put in modern language with, “no one is free until we are all free.” That’s it. We long for freedom for all who thread upon this third plant from the Sun. 

Thanks for reading, dear humans. 

Erin 

The names of the people in this post have been changed. 

Let's Stumble Through

Y'all, as of today, I've been in Thailand for 6 months - whoa. Some days it seems like a wisp of time- like it's been 3 days. Other times it feels like it's been 3 years - but we'll talk about that another day. The words to follow are about my enchantment with the folks with whom I stumble through the circus that is the Thai language.  

I don’t have a high-propensity for learning languages. I am not usually a fast learner. When it’s not about people of feelings, It takes me a bit of time to pick up patterns and see trends. Learning Thai has followed that same path. 

I am in Thai Language school 15 hours a week. I thought it would be draining, that I would have to dredge through the seemingly unending vocabulary and tone patterns. The surprising truth is that my time in language school has breathed life into my sometimes weary body. 

I have laughed and cried, had weighty conversations, discussed our various countries political landscape…yikes…and heard and shared fears and deep joys with humans I’ve only known a few weeks. When you’re learning a language - you don’t know enough words to have any coded conversations. You can only speak truth with the most simple of language - that being married is hard, or your deepest fear is being alone for your entire life, or that your both of your parents have died and you’re caring for your family and it's excruciating. 

During my first month of language school, I was the only person in class learning their 2nd language. Most people spoke at least three languages, and yes - I did take 4 years of Spanish - and on a good day can speak 3 coherent sentences. My classmates have included business professionals from Twain, Japan, and Iran, a non-profit manger from Canada, an finance specialist from Indonesia/Australia, short-term travelers from South Korea, and a entrepreneur from Switzerland. 

These people are lovely, kind, hilarious humans who, like me, have come to this land that is not their original home and and are trying to fit here - and that connects us. We don’t have the same mother-tounge, or practice the same religion, and we’re not in the same tax-bracket - but there’s something about learning something totally new together that breaks down defenses and awkwardness, and all the other usual barriers of life - and we laugh together. In her book, Plan B, Anne Lamott says, “Laughter is carbonated holiness” - and it may seem like hyperbole - but so many of my days in Thai class have felt like holy ground - a place where people can come together and see one another’s human-ness and maybe even a spark of the Divine. 

Some days I glance around at all these people from all of these different countries, and I’m jealous of those who are able to work for the United Nations. I think how incredible it would be - and is - to be surrounded by people from so many different places who have such varied life experience and culture- not easy - but good. 

I should also mention that all of my classmates know and speak, and some have even taught, English. They are brilliant without being pompous, and they recognize my privilege as an American - one who has never had to learn another language to communicate with people, and encourage me when learning the particularly difficult sentence structures and tone sounds. 

It’s an honor to have access to education and teachers and classmates who make learning Thai a hilarious, fun experience that is continually showing me that humans are amazing - and we all hold such wonder and spunk in our souls. I’m so grateful to bear witness to it in the people with whom I speak broken Thai. 

40 days

I don't like darkness. In all my best dreams, I’m in a grassy, wide open field with the morning sun on my face. I do not like Lent, the 40ish days in the historical church calendar plopped in-between Epiphany and Easter. 

I’m an Advent girl, with it’s candles and hope and weight - but not Lent - she’s too much - to heavy. The Eastern Orthodox call Lent the season of bright sadness, which for me, mirrors our lives here on this planet.  

Not far from my doorstep, there are people experiencing the worst life has to offer - oppression, marginalization, dehumanization, starvation- all those words that are written too often and are too easy to say but so hard to stare in the face and enter into. That’s what Lent is for me - intentional time to go into the darkness, the painful, the mucky, and the bloody - in the world and in our own being. 

My favorite image of reconciliation and community is a table - with a seat and plate for everyone. That’s how I imagine heaven - and life at it’s most full. For a few years, I pictured a well-worn wooden table with mis-matched dishes and cutlery, and of course there were blue vintage mason jars full of wildflowers  because I’m nothing if not a pseudo-hipster and a Georgia peach. 

But, (can you begin a sentence with but?) I’m learning that yes, while the table here on earth is beautiful, it’s also incredibly messy. It’s soiled and cluttered with bullets, blood, cocaine, bigotry, resentment, chemo, plates that have too much, and plates that don’t have enough, puss from unhealed wounds rubbing up against other unhealed wounds, shame, bitterness, hubris, and guilt. We bring our whole selves to this table of life - and it’s scary to dive into one another’s wounds as well as our own; to look at ourselves and souls laid bare without our various armors and self-protectants. 

That is Lent. 

That’s what Jesus does - he climbs into our junk and calls us beautiful and stays there with us and then shows us what redemption looks like, which is also messy and not easy or romantic but so good - like Genius’ right-relationship good. 

So during Lent, we get to know our wounds and our beauty and our appetites, our excesses and our scarcities - and we ask for help. Then, we get to know the wounds and beauty and appetites and excesses and scarcities of the world -and we ask for help, again. 

Jesus’ journey to death and life again is the promise of life from death - a journey marked with betrayal, beatings, celebration, bread and wine. Lord, have mercy. 

In Godric, Fredrick Beaukner writes, “ What’s lost is nothing to what’s found, and all the death that ever was, set next to life, would scarcely fill a cup.” So, this Lent - I’ll try and wrap all my hope around that truth - and the one who puts on skin and moves into my neighborhood and darkness, and shares a meal with me there - who calls me beloved and makes safe holy space for me and everyone else to be with him forever. I’ll carry that into this season and life of bright sadness. 

You were a sweet slow dance

So long, 2015. You were a sweet slow dance of a year. You held so much beauty.

Last January, I got to begin my days watching the sun rise in Washington Heights and end the day watching the sun set over the grassy field at the end of my street in South Atlanta. I loved the cold weather - with it’s demand to wear sweaters and leggings and drink hot beverages out of favorite mugs - can you sense that I miss the cold?! You were a balm to my tattered and weathered soul. You were a beautiful, unexpected gift.  I was rooted enough in Atlanta to have friends who knew the ugly and and beautiful parts of me- and continued to choose me. My family lived close enough for me to see them often. I got to snuggle and hold babies, while I rested and healed.

2014 was a hard year - with its sharp pains and long aches. 2015 was a time for healing and restoration. I was given so many gifts - topped with a cherry of grace.

A year ago, I’m not sure I would have believed that I’d be sitting in Bangkok typing these words.

I was cared well for in 2015 - more specifically- I felt well-cared for. I was loved well - by so many. I was able to have a job that I loved caring, for kids I love. I was given safe homes to be in when I needed respite, and so much delight and laughter.  You held so many dreams, 2015. Thank you. 

Living in Bangkok and working for CLF is a dream come true - really - it was an ache in my soul for so long - I forgot that it was there. I am so grateful to be here. It's been messy - but the best parts of a life lived well are messy and full. I’ve been so well supported by friends here who are now family and friends and family in the States. 

In Bangkok, there’s so much pain. The city aches with it. You can see it all over - people searching through garbage piles for food and clothing or something to sale, ladies putting on makeup outside of massage parlors waiting for customers - people cruising the red light areas looking for something - searching for something that can’t be found there. We all long for intimacy - if just looks different than what we think it should look like. 

 It’s all so much - and that doesn't even scratch the surface of the tension and dissonance - in the world. There’s just a lot to hold. 

I'll hold hope for you, 2016. May you be full of radical restoration and peace. May you hold gifts and invitations that move us - that make us see one another as fellow humans along this journey. As Mama T says, may we be reminded that we belong to one another.

A little less sweaty, but still grateful, 

EM

The First

Hello Friends. I wrote these words a few weeks ago. They're about my first week in Bangkok. Enjoy. 

I landed in Bangkok at 10:30 pm on October 1st - a Thursday. Molly (a Creative Life Foundation teacher - and Karoke enthusiast)  met me at the airport, and we took a taxi to Suan Phul market - where I stayed for the week. 

Bangkok has a distinct smell - like all I places, I guess - t’s just easier to detect it when it’s not your normal or familiar - food, grease, spice, flora, a hint of garbage, incense, and exhaust fumes.

It’s rainy season in Bangkok - and the water splashed my big blue duffle bag as the wheels rolled through the puddles in the tiny ally to my room. We carried my bags up the concert steps of the building while trying to be as quite as possible. Sweat was stinging my eyes and my glasses were fogged. 

I walked into room 3 and was greeted by four wooden walls, a mattress pad, and a fan - which was welcomed with my most ardent hallelujah. Jodi (CLF intern and expert backpacker) and Molly had left some snacks and water by my bed. As Molly left, I unpacked my grey and green leafed sheets and put them on the mattress. I rummaged around my 2 bags for my shower supplies, towel, and pajamas-locked my room door, and walked back down the wet steps to the concert walled bathroom -with it’s squatty potty and shower head. I was grateful for the shower after the 30 hours of travel. I gave jet lag the stink eye - and slept for 8 and half hours that first night. 

I was awoken by a knock at the door - Jodi had come bearing donuts and pineapple! We met Jodi’s landlord - Tukta- a lively food shop owner, and set off to find bubble tea for her and coffee for me. After going through the orientation packet, I was left to explore Bangkok on my own. With 50 bhat ($1.30 ish) to spend on transportation and food for the day, I ventured to a food market for some pork-on-a-stick and sticky rice - it was raining again. I should have brought a rain jacket or umbrella with me from the States -  but instead I brought 3 candles that smell like fall #priorities. 

I got on the free bus that I was 73% sure would get me back to my room. While on the bus, I forgot the name of my neighborhood, but my seat mate came to my rescue and helped me navigate my way home. Next time you happen to sit by a befuddled, sweaty stranger who can’t speak your language and who can’t remember where they live, try to help them find their way.

When I left my room to get dinner, I ran into Tukta - who gave me food from her shop (for free) and had me sit at her table while she worked. I met Tukta’s daughter, Ming -  a university student who speaks English. It was such a unexpected gift to eat dinner with a family and get to speak to someone in my first language.  

During my first month in Thailand, I’m participating in a “technology fast” - and yes, I typed this on my own computer while using electricity - I see you smarty pants.  Basically, I’m limited in my use of technology for pleasure - so I can’t listen to music while I’m alone or binge watch Parks and Recreation. In everyday life, I’m often witnessed talking and singing to myself. The technology fast has only exacerbated this vocal expression. I was singing Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles during my first full day in the city, then the next day - I saw a man with a shirt that said “ Here Comes the Sun”!!! Amazing. Don’t worry, I narrowly refrained from hugging this stranger. 

Saturday morning, Tukta brought me breakfast - a ham and cheese sandwich and iced oveltine from 7-11. So far that’s 2 meals in approximately 12 hours that Tukta’s given me - 8 of which I was sleeping. 

After breakfast, I went with Molly to a church in southern Bangkok to teach English to grade school kids. We took a bus, a train, another bus, a boat, and then walked 15 minutes to get to the church.I watched Molly teach, and then during craft time - the kids helped me with my Thai.  There eagerness to teach me was so beautiful. After work, Molly bought me a coke from 7-11. I’m from Georgia, so coke tastes like home to me. 

Saturday night, Tim, Amy, Mina, and Clint (my bosses) popped in for an unexpected visit and brought me some dinner. The gifted meal tally so far = 4 + a coke - which totally counts.

On Sunday, Joey ( a fellow intern and awesome t-shirt artist) and I walked to church together. When we sat down in the lovely air conditioned room a video of 3 construction workers from the US singing How Great Thou Art started playing. My father often sings that hymn - so of course I started weeping at this little reminder of home. The church served us a delicious lunch of chicken and rice where I met a man from Pakistan and Wales - incredible. Joey and I committed to walking 45 minutes home in the rain and set off. 

Sunday evening, Tukta came to get me from my room so I could celebrate her birthday with her and her family. Of course she fed me dinner again and bought me another coke. We sang and laughed and I practiced the 5 thai words I knew while Ming helped us all understand one anther. Tukta asked me if I was homesick, and I told her that I missed the sound of my mother’s voice. She then told me she’d my by Thai mother. When offering me this gift, we had known one another for 2 days….2 days- such amazing generosity and hospitality. 

Monday morning I walked 2 miles to the Chao Phraya river. I sat on a covered dock with tourists who were waiting for a boat tour and read some Wendell Barry poetry. When I returned home, Tukta fed me lunch, then I “helped” Ming with the shop while Tukta went to buy supplies. When Tukta returned we ate fired rice with sausage and egg for dinner. If you’ve lost count of the free meals I’ve been given - it’s 7 - so far. At this point I’d been in the country for 4 days. 

Tuesday morning I took a Song-tau (a covered truck- bus/taxi thing) to the glorious Lumpini Park - with it’s air conditioned library and swan paddle boats. I’ve always loved libraries - they hold two of my favorite things - books and people. I spent the morning reading and then walked to meet Molly to register for Thai language school. While at school I used a western toilet and washed my hands in a sink for the first time since the airport!!!  I know you’re thinking - Gross - why’d she tell us that?!! - but this was a huge gift. I think I cried a little. 

Tuesday night, I had my favorite food for dinner - watermelon - which is always in season in Thailand. I packed my bags Tuesday night - because Wednesday morning I moved to the CLF center  - but not before Tukta gave me breakfast and her boyfriend, Loat and Molly helped me take my bags to the Taxi. 

I was given 10 meals in 5 days, 7 of those meals were from Tukta - this is not counting the many snacks she also gave me. My first 6 days in Bangkok were full of bits of magic - green trees, iced coffee, sweet fruit, and kind people who helped me kind my way. The view from my window was of the faded mint shutters of my neighbor’s house. Mint is my favorite color. The small things - the cokes, the song, the shutters, and shirt - were so grounding - during this week of wonder and chaos and rest. 

I was given a family - Tukta’s family - to ease my transition into this unfamiliar land. There’s so much beauty in sitting at a table with people while sharing a meal. Our differences are stripped away while we enjoy food and drink and one another, and laugh at our attempts to communicate. Anne Lamott says that laughter is carbonated holiness - and that’s what my first week in Bangkok felt full to brim of - bubbles of carbonated holiness. 

Jesus asks us to welcome the stranger, to befriend the sojourner, to feed the hungry, and open our homes to one another. This past week - I was the stranger, the foreigner, the hungry person and the one in need of a home - a family. I was offered and given so much - more than enough - a feast. During my first week in Bangkok - Tukta was Jesus to me. 

May we all welcome the stranger well - with kindness and food and laughter and family. 

Sweaty and Grateful, 

EM

Beginning, again

Here we are again, after...ahem... a 4 year break. In very early autumn, I'll board a Delta jet and fly to Bangkok, Thailand - where I'll spend the next year of my life working with Word Made Flesh's Creative Life Foundation. 

As I type these sentences, so many thoughts spring around in my mind - and drop to my stomach. A year - it feels life such a long time to not see the faces of my family and friends. To not celebrate and grieve with them in person, but then in the same breath it feels short, and doable, and exciting. A year to be, and grow, and learn; to be broken and healed in the sacred spaces where the poor live.

 It's so easy to type those words -but it will most certainly hold some of the hardest, best, messiest, and dearest moments of my life. 

This thing- this yearning - this desire to be in Asia in the this way - I've held it so closely. It's in me, in my bones. In so many ways I feel like I can't not do it. There were a few seasons over the past couple of years where I felt as if I couldn't even utter the hope of being in the South East, because it was too raw and too painful to speak the desire. 

I am so incredibly grateful for this internship - this next year. It's an honor to go - and to learn. I'm still at here - sitting in air conditioned kitchen - and I've already been invited to grow - to learn how to receive grace and generosity well. 

My hope for the next 8 weeks is that they are full-to-the-brim of joy and wonder with those I love. 

Thanks for reading these words. 

EM

A Prayer

The following words were written and spoken by Walter Brueggemann. 


Among us are shrivelled women
who in despair do not eat,

who in powerlessness weep downcast,
whose lips tremble, and
who barely dare ask otherwise.

We in our compassion and sensitivity
stand alongside those shrivelled women,
who in despair do not eat,
who in powerlessness weep downcast,
whose lips tremble, and
who barely dare ask otherwise.

Down deep in all candor we ourselves
are among those shrivelled women;
we also in despair do not eat,
we also in powerlessness weep downcast,
we also have lips that tremble, and
we also barely dare ask otherwise.

They wait…
We wait alongside them…
We wait.

And you… sometimes… speak shalom and the world is made new.
This day is our despairing hope,
grant that we, along with all shrivelled women,
may – before sundown – eat and praise and depart in peace.

For now, we wait. 

Love All Around, 

Erin 

What to Write?

My goodness, it's been a month of Sunday's since we last met! I stink at blogging! I'm sorry, folks - I'm not too good at processing through this portal, and you all deserve better. 

Needless to say, there have been many crazy adventures since we last chatted; one of which includes an unexpected stay at a hotel in Dhaka, Bangladesh - but more on that later! 


As I type, I have no idea what to write about because so much has happened. I feel like there's so much to say and write, but no real words can escape the confines of my sluggish brain and confused heart. That sounds overly dramatic, and I don't mean to make it sound sound as if my spirit is dead- because it's not. These day's it seems like I have more questions than answers, which may be a good thing- but let me confess, it is often disheartening. 


I'm a little more than halfway through my time in Kolkata which feels so weird to say because it's flown by. As I sit in this internet cafe that I know so well, I cannot form a single substantial antidote. I will save those for another day. 


But what about today, you say? Well, today I pray for mercy - mercy for the kids we met in Bangkok who fight battles they should know nothing of, mercy for my friends at Sari Bari whose lives have been drenched with sorrow but now know glimpses of hope, mercy for the kids at Mama T's who are incredible, but know too well the confines of the four walls of the children's home,  mercy for the people who beg on street - whose bodies are calloused and whose faces tell the stories of endless days in the sun with too little food and not enough celebration of spirit, and mercy for myself - a wondering, wandering, sojourner.  


Love all around, 


Erin 

The Sweet Stuff

Hello, again! I hope the time between posts has been sweet for you.  Much has happened in my little world sense we last chatted! For starters...I turned 26! That's right folks, I can't fake adulthood any longer! It is officially upon me. I had not one or two, but four celebrations! They were all fantastic, and full of joy and laughter, but more on that later!

Most of the time it difficult to see beauty in brokenness. It is hard to find wonder where there is so much pain and hurt. Some days, there seems to be an over-abundance of brokenness and deep sorrow wherever my eyes fall.

Most of the time, I stink at making decisions - and choosing a specific item, or restaurant, or TV show (although Friends or the Office will always win) - but from the small amount of time I have been in this city, I am having to choose. I am struggling and fighting to choose love, community, joy, sorrow, beauty, forgiveness, and tenacity. Let me tell you - it is tough work - this choosing business - but I am not alone.

So, I wanted to give you all a little glimpse of the beautiful...

The laughter of the ladies who work at Sari Bari hangs in air like music as I remove sticking from bags or sew crooked lines on my blanket.

Freeset - a sister business of Sari Bari, just celebrated there 10 year anniversary- 10 years of increased advocacy for our friends in the red light areas!

The other day, I saw a grandfather tenderly, and with much laughter - showing his granddaughter the holiday decorations and lights that have gone up all around the city.

Impromptu dance parties are always fun - and last week we had a great one at Sari Bari! Confession - I am not much of a dancer, but when the ladies say dance - I do! It was such a sweet time of hearty laughter and crazy moves.

On the path to Sari Bari, there are pink flowers planted on the roof tops of many of the buildings. Hmm...they provide such beauty on a tough walk.

There are lovely, green trees near our house! Oh, they are beautiful - and provide such a welcome relief from the buildings and business of the city.

Recently, I have started to feel like the neighborhood in which we live is home. I see some of the same people on the streets near our house, and they often give genuine smiles and we'll chat for a bit. Have I mentioned that my mastery of Bengali is quite limited!

Also - this is probably just beautiful to me, but near one of the SB units, there is a business that uses a wood fire to make their product, and wood smoke is one of my most favorite smells. It smells like autumn in Georgia - which is my favorite time of the year...which is now...as I type! Oh, it's such a gift.


So, loves - there you have it...a small view of beauty through my eyes.


As I mentioned before, I turned 26!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! But, alas - my tuish is sore from sitting in this chair, so I'll blog about all the crazy fun that happened later!

Also, as a side note- this song has been my prayer for my friends in this city, my prayer for my journey, and my prayer for Kolkata. My friend, Amy is also praying this with me. Join us, please.

Love all around,

Erin